where are you spring?

i know.


it's only a month (barely) into winter.

but i'm done. finished. had enough.

we woke up to 9 degrees and snow. at least it was snowing. because if it's going to be this blasted cold, it might as well be pretty and snow.

by tuesday it's supposed to be 65. we'll all be sick i'm sure. of it.

remembering.

i'm still sad. so sad. i'm not sure i'm ready to come back to this space. but i miss it. i miss so many things right now. especially my little twink.

but i'm trying. i'm trying. and that's the best i can do right now. my friends have been such a support to me during this. the flowers and meals. the calls of just checking in. the emails. the prayers. it has made this more bearable. if that's possible.

i'm trying to remember the good things about twinkle. the things that she did. that made me smile and laugh and love her to pieces.

she was sweet and silly.

cuddly and warm.

she always listened to me and waited for me.

she barely passed puppy class because she was too busy doing other things.

she'd steal my spot in bed as soon as i got up. everyday.

she had a favorite toy that she'd carry around for hours.

she flew home with me once. the flight attendants served her. but not me.

she would lie at my feet for hours. she would snuggle in on cold or warm nights. when i was sick or recovering from surgery.

she loved oranges and treats and cheese.

she loved to climb up on us and lick our noses. she was little and fluffy. and loved to run round the yard.

when it snowed, she would go head first into the biggest pile of snow.

she loved to pull off and steal your socks.

when she was a puppy she was so little i could fit her in my LV bag. she once got kicked out of ben and jerry's.

when little one was born, she would snuggle up and sleep next to her. she'd steal binkies and rattles.

she loved to be carried around and fawned over. this was not tough to give into.

she loved to ride in cars and hated going to the vet. even though they loved her, too.

she had her favorite blankies and beds and spots in the house that were hers.

she would sit for hours in the window watching for us to come home.

she loved going for walks. she also loved for us to carry her after about half way.

she was a colorado native and relocated to the midwest with us. she adapted fine, although i think she, too always missed the mountains.

but most of all. she was our family. and now there's a big empty hole in it.

and now we miss her. so. so. so. much. but she'll always be here with us.

heartbroken.

hi friends.

i'm signing off for awhile. not sure when i'll be back.

i'm just so sad and i don't have anything to say or write about now.

i lost my little twinkle yesterday.

and i'm just so sad. so sad. and so heartbroken. i hope you can understand the bond we had. the specialness. she was my best buddy for a long time. my little.

so that's it. be well. until the gloomies leave. and i can write about all the good things and memories i have about her.

fired.

christmas is over. here. over.

because all the good-will. and peace. and love. that comes with it. vanished today. right in the center aisle at costco.

all because i made her ride in the cart.

you would think that i was torturing her. making her eat mayo (she hates mayonnaise). taking away her barbies. telling her she isn't a real princess.

but no. i was just making her ride in the cart. it was crowded. we were in a hurry. she was running away.

so there. in the center aisle of our local costco. she did it.

she fired me.

her: "but i don't want to ride in the cart."

me: "but you will."

her: "but i'll stay right next to you. i promise."

me: "that's what you said last time."

her: "well. then. you are fired. mommy fired."

i have been fired.

the lady behind us. started laughing. loudly. she said. "run. run while you can!" her teenage daughters looked at her a little oddly. but she knew. she clearly knew. that this. this. was an opportunity. she said she'd go with me. this lady in costco.

oh how funny they can be.

i'll remind her that she fired me. perhaps when she's 16 and wants a car...

a bit fuzzy.

it's all a blur around here.

from the wonder.



to the sparkle.



to the glow.



to the glee.



hope yours was happy and merry, too.

peace and joy to you.

merry christmas. everyone.

hark the hearld angels. and shepherds.

sing.

the littles. so excited. christmas eve.

they love going to church on christmas eve. the story of the baby jesus. live animals. angels. and shepherds. kings. and babies. singing. candles. stars.

5 years ago. little one was actually the baby jesus. i was mary. and daddy was joseph. you see. in our church. the youngest baby is chosen to be the baby jesus in the christmas eve service. and she was it.

the sheep didn't cooperate that year as well as they did this year. but the kids this years were crazy. all of them. there was chaos. and wonder and oohs and aahs. just like in the movies. it was such fun.

she was an angel. with a black eye. he was shepherd. with a mean left arm.



and then. later. after presents and dinner at gram and gramps. they left cookies.




that santa loves. perhaps he will show up tonight.

two holidays.

in our house we celebrate the season twice. christmas. and hanukkah.



tonight before a night out with my parents and brother and wife. we celebrated a night of hanukkah.

the littles are awed. by the lights. the candles. the stories that daddy tells them. and of course. of course the presents.

seven nights.

today.

christmas shopping. well not shopping, so much. just looking. and trying to wrap up a few things for the holidays. a day out on the plaza. no littles. a little vino with lunch. fun with the other yulie. and this seemed to sum up the da for me...

"like so many americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops." - kurt vonnegut.

round and round.

he could. he really could.

sit there.

for hours.

watching it go.

round and round.

watching.

and saying "chooooo chooooo".


all day.

maybe we should leave this up all year.

the big guy.

the littles visited the big guy - or christmas lap - as little two calls him. today.

to tell him what they desired.

him: a choo choo and cooking.

her: a barbie.

easy enough.

they sat on his lap.



there was no drama. no screaming. just wide-eyes. and awe.

it's lovely how a man with a big white beard and red suit. can inspire such calm and quiet and awe and wonder. amazing.

really. i mean really.

why? do you sometimes just wonder why?

what did i do? why?

me: working on trying to get one of my holiday gifts done. 5 days to go. and counting.

her: complete quiet.

me: wondering what could be happening.

her: "mommy i need some help." "i'm five now, but i need some help." (apparently at five you can do everything.)

her: "NOW!"

me: xsklhdfl! (to myself). i could only imagine what had happened.

her: "i was just changing his diaper. and he tried to help."

me: "what?" it wasn't really registering apparently. as i dashed up the stairs.

her: "it's ok mommy" "it was just an accident he had".

me: thinking there "are no accidents."

i turn the corner to his room. the smell is overwhelming. the wipes are EVERYWHERE. an entire new box. scattered. and dirty. EVERYWHERE. he is laying on the floor in the middle of it. and i mean the middle of it.

i won't bore you with the gory details. the 30 minutes of clean up, the clothing and bedding change. the wipe down of the wall.

but i don't remember this being in the job description.

handsome.

her: "why, you."

him: "what madewhine?"

her: "why you. i like your look."

him: grinning.

her: "so handsome. just so handsome."

where do these things come from??

the house without a christmas tree.

is no more.

the tree is finally up. i say finally. because. it's a two day process for me. a two day decorating process. that is.

a day of stringing lights. wrapping each branch. 13 strands later. 1300 lights. it was done.

and a day of hanging ornaments. finding the perfect place. i don't know why i'm so obsessed with this. but. i am. just the way it is. each is special.



and so. we are not. the house without a christmas tree. which by the way. i loved when i was not so old. loved the book. loved the movie.

and now. it is up. and decorated. and the littles have been warned. warned not to touch. because. the husband thinks. the tree should be insured. yes. insured. probably not a bad idea. what can i say? i collect.

and the train is running underneath. and hopefully that. will keep them amused.

songs.

i love christmas music. i love listening to it in the car. on the ipod. at the gym. at home. i love to sing along. however. i do not like listening to it before thanksgiving. i can't stand that radio stations here, start playing it right after halloween. it seems.

but now it is december. i can listen all month. i used to drive a co-worker crazy listening to it. she still reminds me of it...:).

so here's my list. my top 10..well top 9.. list of favorite christmas songs.

9. aspenglow...john denver (of course)

8. do they know it's christmas...bandaid

7. when my heart finds christmas...harry connick, jr.

6. have yourself a merry little christmas

5. i'll be home for christmas...bing crosby

4. christmas canon...trans-siberian orchestra

3. what child is this

2. breath of heaven

1. song for a winter's night...sarah machlachlan